It's difficult to know Channel Ten's plan in employing Clementine Ford as a columnist.
If it's to explore the outer limits of vulgarity and depravity then everything's going swimmingly.
This is Ten's promotion for Ms Ford's column about her sexual attraction to a cartoon dog.
This is a nice and writerly way of saying what most male-attracted viewers of the show are thinking, which is 'I would ride that dog like he were a man and I don’t care who knows it'.
I’ve asked myself if it’s weird that I’m deeply sexually attracted to a cartoon dog and I’ve decided that yes. Yes it is. Our union would be technically illegal (not to mention a total violation of the Cool Bitch Code because Chilli, Bandit’s life partner, is also a mega babe) but maybe not completely illegal because he is, after all, fictional. Which, to be honest, is just one of the many tragic things about modern life.
I asked a couple of my mums groups what they thought of Bandit. Specifically, I said “I’m writing an article about how Bandit is a thirst trap and I was wondering what others thought.” The responses were, for the most part, succinct and clear and probably best summed up by the thoughts of my friend, Elizabeth.
“OH HELL YES,” she wrote. “And you can quote me on that.”
I guess the true appeal of Bandit lies in the fact he’s so different from most depictions of men (and fathers in particular) in pop culture. Or in life, really. Laura La Rosa summed up the Daddy Problem in her great article, Where’s Your Daddy: The Rise and Fall of Mediocre On-Screen Fathers. In a sea of Daddy Pigs, Ray Romanos, sitcom lumps and Tony Sopranos, Bandit reminds human women people what it could look like if a man basically just tried a bit.
In fact, I spoke to Laura about this and she made the astute observation that Bandit is the basic level of what we should expect from men, and the fact he is sexualised and fetishised is a problematic insight into how low the bar is.
I’ve decided there’s no shame in having the horn for a cartoon dog. Firstly, he’s funny and smart and they are basically the first things I look for in human companions too. But also, and maybe this is the most important part of all, I just feel like he would be really good in bed????
I mean, he is a very hands on co-parent so there is probably a lack of crushing resentment permeating through that sprawling Queenslander house and that makes it a lot easier to maintain any hint of a sex life. Chilli does not seem like she’s carrying around a list of names of people she’s going to kill Arya Stark-style, except that the names are just every single thing Bandit has done to annoy her over the last 10 years. Plus he’s an archeologist so he’s
b) adept at using his hands for delicate tasks
c) good with bones
Like, Chilli just seems like a very satisfied lady dog, if you get what I’m saying?
And if you don’t, what I’m saying is that I think Bandit f**ks well.